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Okay, here's the scenario: Grandma gets a dildo as a surprise birthday gift! Here's the joke-spoiler: The fucking girls are so stupid by giggling and giving the joke away and just RUINING everything! Don't they fucking know how to do a fucking dildo gag? Ugh. just watch and I'll school you on how to do it right: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1821388

Okay, here's how to do a dildo gift correctly. It all begins with the preparation:
1. Take the dildo out of the package FIRST. Trust me. No one cares if it is used or new. The dildo MUST be recognizeable the moment it is revealed.
2. Place in a box (a shoebox will do) with loose pieces of tissue. DO NOT WRAP THE TISSUE AROUND THE DILDO!
3. Wrap the box in bright, cheery paper and a nice, elegant ribbon to give the illusion this is a tasteful, expensive gift.
4. When the package is given to the recipient, treat it as you would any other gift. Do not giggle or make a big deal that there is something funny or naughty inside!
5. If prepared correctly, the recipient will be relaxed and excited about her gift. She will smile, pull off the lovely ribbon and paper, and immediately reach in and pull out the first solid form she feels inside the box without feeling the need to look too closely.
6. When the recipient pulls out the item in the box, the tissue will fall away and she will be left sitting there with a plastic penis in her hand. It is now okay to laugh and point.
7. A usual response will be a confused, "What is this?" while everyone else laughs. Let the recipient figure it out for herself, do not tell her. If you feel the need to say something, a line such as, "What do you think it is?" will be appropriate. Allow her the gift of self-discovery.
8. Next, the recipient will realize what the item is and most likely drop it on the floor or table. Do not pick it up and immediately force the dildo back in her hand. This is rude. Do not take it away and start playing with it yourself! It does not belong to you! Trust me. She will pick the dildo up again once the initial shock is over. A penis is very difficult to resist, no matter how old you are. 9. After a short recovery period, the recipient will be ready to happily laugh along with everyone else and perhaps even agree to have her picture taken with the dildo. It is now okay to touch the dildo yourself with your finger, but only take it away if you have permission from its new owner. You have to be respectful. If she does let you take it into your own hands, refrain from doing anything overtly vulgar with it, such as rubbing it on your genitals or putting it in your mouth. Again, it doesn't belong to you! However, giving it a kiss is okay. Be sure to return the dildo to its owner in a timely manner.
10. Finally, enjoy the fruits of your labor. Let the party guests revel in the levity, and also know when to let the joke play out. Don't push the humor or it will quickly become awkward. If these steps are followed successfully, your dildo joke will be talked about for years to come, and grandma will think of you every time she uses it.

Thank you. The End

Isn't it interesting the different reasons we find someone sexy? They say that some people are more influnced by their sense of sight, sound, or touch (smell and taste are a WHOLE different subject ;) ) For example, if someone is influnced by their site they might say things like "Can't you SEE where I am coming from?". Where as touch might be "Can't you FEEL where I'm coming from?" Sound would be something like "Why don't you HEAR me?" I found this pretty interesting, so went about making mental notes as to which one of these I am most influnced by and SOUND won hands down.

I think this even translates to our sexuality and what attracts to others. This is just my theory, but I realized I am usually more attracted to a man with a nice voice. Accents drive me wild...

And oh my, if you can sing, forget about it! This is why when I am stressed I like to listen to music and I find myself wildly attracted to men who may not be the HOTTEST men, but can sing! I'm just saying...if I happened to throw my panties at Billy Joel onstage, even though he looks a bit like my father...I am simply not responsible! YA HEARD ME?

As the weather begins to get warm, I like to sit on the sill of the open window of my little second floor apartment in the nude. I like the way the Summer night air feels on my body, but I like even more knowing that an unwitting stranger going for an innocent midnight stroll might look up and see me. There's just enough light on me to make him wonder, "Is she or isn't she?" Oh, I can tell you, sir, I certainly am. And I hope you like what you see, because right now, it's all for you…